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Sunday, January 06, 2013

beginning Thoughts

Typically, I don’t write or think much about my thoughts at the beginning of the new year, but there’s a few things I feel I want to say.

First of all, I can’t say I’ve started this year with a bang. If anything, it was actually sort of solemn, or quiet might be a better word. For some reason or another, I’m feeling a little unsettled and uncertain about a number of things, which is rather ironic since one thing I’m thankful for about last year was that I had settled down in Melaka a lot more. In some ways I’m a little angry at myself, because I don’t think I have the right to feel the way I do, but I just do.  

I didn’t actually sit down, meditate and come across a list of things I’m worried about, but they’ve just cropped up in between moments of the day or night when I’m not doing something. Its basically thoughts about what the future holds and how it’ll affect my life and the relationships I have with the people around me. I suppose that in recent times, that I’ve got certain things that I know I’d be very reluctant to let go of and thinking of the future makes me fear how I might lose it very quickly if just a few things changed.

There’s also the whole thing about making targets or resolutions for a new year, which I abandoned long ago because I guess I’m one of those people that follow on all the way through. When faced with the question about what my goals are for this year, I can’t answer, because I haven’t thought about it, which also means I don’t have any. If you think that’s rather poor of me, I’ll admit to it. It is poor, and depressing if you like.

Adding on to that, every now and then I hear about some amazing things happening to amazing people. Very honestly, I’m happy for those people that have had such encounters, let it be testimonies or great things happening to friends and acquaintances. However, it comes to a point where you do feel a bit left out. Just today, I heard an incredible story of healing that was truly God’s favour. I could clap, agree that it was amazing and be happy for the person, but for some reason I didn’t feel great about myself. Maybe it’s because things haven’t been so ‘exciting’ for quite a while, maybe it’s because I don’t feel like I have a great story to tell. You know about how you read and hear about road accidents but you never expect it to happen to you? It feels a lot like that, but for good things instead, a poor mind set surely.

As I write this, I realise that I border on self-pity. In fact, maybe I am already doing that. Something that angers me is that I already know I don’t have that right to feel sorry for myself as I’m fully aware that I’ve been blessed with many things and that there are others, including people I know that do not have certain privileges I do.

Having written all these thoughts and then actually thinking about God for a moment, I remembered a few familiar phrases.

‘… birds in the air …’

‘… all things beautiful in his time …’

The first comes a very simple and straightforward passage in the bible. Reading from Matthew 6:25-34, the earlier part of it tells me God pays attention to the things that we don’t even care about. How many times have we worried about what birds eat or what colour a flower should be? If God already had those things covered way before we’d even consider thinking about it, I believe He cares way more for us, the people he sent His son to save. The end part tells me something that I believe I need to take to heart, not to worry so much about the future, to take it one day at a time because that’s what we can do. God will still be there tomorrow.

The second phrase comes from Ecclesiastes, a book that was written as a fact finding mission by a king searching for life’s meaning. It was a very deep search no doubt, but there were many simple conclusions from it. Among them, was a statement he made in Ecclesiastes 3:11 that simply says, “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”

Reading the sentence straight doesn’t really seem ground breaking, it may sound cliché even but there’s more to it than that. The two words put together, ‘everything’ and ‘beautiful’ are written as a factual statement, not an assumption. Also, that last bit, ‘in its time’ reminds me that a lot of good things take time. Even flowers blossom during its season, not anytime else. Putting all that together, the whole sentence is two things, an affirmation and a call to trust Him. You know, it’s interesting for me, because I didn’t actually  think this out before writing, I’m actually realising it as I type this blog entry. To me, it’s like God saying, “I have a perfect plan, a perfect will and I’m doing it perfectly, so don’t fear. Have faith, trust Me.”

At the end of it all, I have yet to answer all my questions and uncertainties, even certain fears, but I’m deciding to trust God for all these things. I need to do my part of course, not to be paralysed by fear and continue to live as someone who has God by his side daily. I still believe there are greater things yet to come and I believe I’ll be a part of it, even if I can’t see it yet. For any of my friends who might feel somewhat the same as I did, I hope you can make the same decision too.

1 comment:

Yellow said...

God moves in the celebrations and in the silence of doubt. It wasn't much of a big bang for me this year as well, for similar reasons. Reading this post definitely helped me lots in making a decision. And nigga you write well la.