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Sunday, November 26, 2006

Feelings of fear, sadness and dissapointment

The time's now 5.05 on a Sunday evening and the weather seems to be a pretty good description of what I'm feeling at the moment. The skies have grown darker and a little drizzle has come upon the place where I reside. All this, just a foretaste of what's to come in the next few hours or so. Dark clouds will soon encapsulate the skies and rain will cover just about every place within my reach right now.

Today, just in the afternoon when I was studying, I felt a certain feeling similar to those that most people might feel a day or night before an examination period but mine had a slightly different twist to it, a little more emotional. I realised as much as this is only the first real test I'll have in my years here, it's the one that justifies my existence or presence in the university I'm in. When I received the offer to go into University Teknologi Petronas, I knew from the start I was quite undeserving on an academic basis. There are already personal acquaintances of mine that have mentioned my offer was based on the fact I have Bumiputera status and that my father works for Petronas. To be honest, I cannot really defend myself in that aspect, hoping very much they are wrong even though the things they mentioned are two valid controversial reasons why I am where I am.

What I am feeling now is a fear of fulfilling expectation, a fear of disappointing, a fear of being unable to justify my place in Universiti Teknologi Petronas. As much as I have read up in the past weeks for my exam, I know that I am not fully prepared for it and the prospects of underperforming again like I did in Taylor's College are daunting. I really do not want that to happen again but it seems that there are more than two subjects which I know I may not do as well as I need to. I already disappointed my parents in Taylor's and you can say that the money they spent there was wasted. I don't want to disappoint them again because they have already put so much faith and trust in their only son. I feel more sad than scared of the prospects of letting them down.

Of course, it's not just about them, it's about myself too. I need to know for myself that I deserve to retain my place in Universiti Teknologi Petronas and that my place here is not one that was gifted to someone who would not do well and take it for granted. I already thank God for the many blessings He has put in my life and UTP is very obviously one of them, and I do not need to mention how much I also want to do something that would make God happy, by making something out of the investment He has already put into me. God, you know my heart, I truly want to do well, to do something You'll be proud of so You can say that I've been a faithful steward of what You've given me. God, please hold me through this time, hold my hand, let me know You are near and I trust You to guide me in everything that I do, in every step of the way for now and forevermore. God, thank You so much for the love, grace and many blessings that You've put into my life, I just want to give something back to You of what You've already given to me.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Nothing to say

This is something I have which gets on my nerves many times, having nothing to say. There've been a bit too many times when I have nothing to talk about even when I'm hanging around with close friends or those that I've know for quite some time. I just wonder why this happens, it seems my friends usually have a whole load of stuff to talk about ranging from one topic to the other and all I can do is listen. Don't get me wrong, I like listening and it's really cool to hear certain things, especially friends experiences. I just feel a little out of place when I just can't compliment the conversation. You do feel bad when someone's making the effort to talk and develop a conversation but you just don't get into it as well as you'd like.

It feels quite bad when the other party's done talking and he/she waits for you to say something in turn. That's when I suddenly just have nothing to say, my brain is frozen and there's that long awkward silence which makes you feel a thousand metres away from the person right next to you. Why is it that I don't really have much substantial to talk about? All this time, I've been relying on interests, especially music just to connect with others but I'd prefer to know and develop good relationships with people on a different basis. I mean, friends shouldn't be limited to just people of similar interests right? It's just that when I've got nothing left to say, it feels like the level of the relationship between you and your friend is stagnant and has no place to grow. Of course, that may not be the truth but it certainly feels that way.

Friday, November 24, 2006

For someone else? I think not

The time I've started this post is 1.26 on a Friday morning. Just about and hour and a half before this, I was at this small cafe just outside campus called D'Toronto which I happen to frequent for it's nice egg wrapped burgers and refreshing cold iced tea. Just after I ordered my burger, I saw a familiar face, a friend (friend A) of mine from the same intake but taking a different course. I decided to join him since I was alone and we were soon joined by a three other friends that had tagged along.

Now, one of these friends at the table was smoking (friend B) and out of nowhere friend A asked friend C, "Hey, can I have one stick ar?" I was a bit surprised because he wasn't asking for him to pass him a cigarette, rather asking for permission to have one. It's a little strange, if you want one, you'll just take it right? Even if there are friends who may encourage you not to smoke, it's quite unlikely you'll ask for their permission to do so.

Well, friend C started telling friend A how he had promised his mother and girlfriend that he would stop smoking and apparently he had successfully done it up until now. Friend C stated that friend A had mentioned before if he took another cigarette that anyone could slap him and a lot of other conditions that he had set before. Friend A denied all these statements, it was not clear though whether he had really said all those things before or not. I mean, I was not there when he made the promise to quit smoking. So then, friend A kept asking friend C and D whether he could have just one cigarette. Friend A denied he had promised his mother but admitted he promised his girlfriend he'd stop smoking but he was definitely willing to compromise this time around. How would she ever know he smoked once? To make things more convenient, his girlfriend is not from around the area so it would be pretty hard for her to find out. He kept justifying his cause to be allowed to smoke by saying he never promised this and that.

Friend B who was the person smoking initially, pleaded with friend D who now held the pack of cigarettes to give one stick to friend A. Apparently, he knows what it is like to be denied of one after not having one for quite some time. If you are confused at this point as to who is who, I'll make things clear now. Friend A is asking if he can smoke, friend B is the one already smoking, friend C and D do not smoke and encourage A and B not to but do not pressurise them. Now, as I said earlier, friend B pleaded with friend D to hand friend A a stick and hand himself one more. Eventually friend D gave in and handed a stick to friend A and another to friend B. After taking one puff, friend A felt so good, energised and partly relieved. I believe it to be a sign of addiction.

I'm not going to go on and say smoking is bad for you and all that whatnot, everybody knows enough about smoking to know what it does. I need not elaborate on that. Whether you smoke or not is up to you. It's a matter of your own choice and opinion. What I am about to say though, is an observation made from the whole experience which has nothing to do with smoking.

At the end, you can see the promise he made was pretty much pointless, not because he eventually broke it, but for the very reason he made it. When it comes to doing things for your own well being, you have to be genuinely committed to it because you want to, not because someone else says it's good for you. You can never break a bad habit, even a small one if you are not convinced yourself that it's the right thing to do. What more for one of the hardest habits to break, smoking! Please, for anybody out there, never resolve to do something that concerns your own well being for the sake of someone else, friends, family, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend because it's not going to work. You will be better off just doing whatever you like doing rather than struggling to match up to somebody elses hopes or expectations. There's only so much that can motivate you, but only what you know can keep you going from start to finish.



p/s To friend A - D, if you do read this, this has nothing to do with dissin you or whatever but
simply a thought on the whole thing.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Updates!

Hey everyone, haven't posted in a while since it's the 'study for exam' peak season, haha! Still, I've had some spare time and I decided to spend some of it telling my dear friends and anyone out there who reads my blog what I've been up to. Many thanks to those who come back to read every now and then. =)

Well, just last Saturday, I went out with Edgar, Tania (Dolly) and Irene to Ipoh. Initially, Edgar and I thought Irene would be driving and going to Jusco and come back after a couple of hours. The both of us had planned to catch a movie while Tania and Irene would walk around the whole time doing shopping. Who knew that Irene's plan was to go to FOUR PLACES! She wanted to go to Ipoh Parade, Jusco, Tesco and then somewhere in Lahad all in one day!! In KL, I'd never dream of doing such a thing, if I went to One Utama in the morning, I'd just stay there for the whole day with a very slight possibility of going to The Curve, but you would definitely not catch me going to KLCC or MidValley Megamall after going to One Utama on the SAME DAY! It was an interesting experience nonetheless.

So we left campus at about 10 a.m and it wasn't Irene who was driving, she hired this final year student who was apprently very free to drive us around for the whole day, haha! He told us his next exam was on Friday (this Friday) It came with a price though, RM15 per head to go to Ipoh and come back. I'd say it was a good deal for the individual taking into account the number of places we went that day, I mean it's literally like having a personal chauffer form RM15 for almost an entire day. The driver was pretty friendly and so we were talking with him for just about the entire journey. It was quite interesting, he knew quite a number of people that everyone else in the car knew except for ME. It was pretty cool though, it didn't feel like he was a hired hand but rather a friend driving us around with the exception we paid for his services of course.

So first off, we stopped at Ipoh Parade which I believe is definitely better than Jusco, especially if you're looking around for clothes and sports stuff, Jusco finds itself lacking in that. I like the fact they have a lot of the shoes I like there from Globe, Etnies and so forth but I didn't get to take a good look around because I went there to watch 'Casino Royale' (James Bond) not to shop. The latest James Bond movie is a good watch, I did enjoy it, action scenes are tighter and this time round, James Bond isn't the superhuman like Superman that manages to win every battle without taking a beating which has happenned throughout the last few James Bond movies. This time round, there's a little more insight to James Bond's character and it makes him seem much more 'human' than the previous Pierce Brosman episodes where James Bond is just this spy who sleeps with two girls per movie and eventually kills the sinister character trying to take over the world. If you have doubts over the movie, I'm telling you, just go and watch it, it's worth your time, trust me. Oh one thing, the GSC cinema in Ipoh Parade has good caramel popcorn. =) I bought the largest size available along with the largest cup of coke. Double =)

Well, shortly after watching Casino Royale, we pushed off to Jusco where we lasted there for a couple of hours as well. To be honest, I can't even remember what I did there, besides going to MPH and checking out some computer peripherals. I do remember lending Irene my Jusco card so that I'd get more points at her expense, hahahahha! I mean, she didn't have her own, so why not? It's good to have a little help among friends, no? =) After a few hours in Jusco, I was pretty beat and I was wondering how I'd be able to get through two more places, Tesco and Lahad. Fortunately, Irenen was kind enough to me, just going to Lahad before heading back to UTP. So we went there, the place Irene wanted to find bags and Dolly bought a pillow there and headed back to campus. It was tiring but definitely fun, at least I got to get out of my campus entrenched in a small town where there's not much to do.


That all happenned on Saturday, let me bring you guys to today where I did something that is usually against my brain, to get up at 8.00 a.m in the morning on a day where my only class is an optional class at 12.30 to play tennis at 8.30. I cannot remember the last time I ever got up in the morning to play sports with the exception of the trip I had with Simply United where we went for a trip to somewhere and got up to play football with Jamie and Wai Nyan (I still remember winning the 1.5 litre bottle of coke! I think they haven't bought it for me yet!) It was a good experience playing with Vern after a little practice knocking the tennis balls on the wall to warm up. Both of us were definitely up for a good game and had a pretty good time. I think we had longer and more consistent rallies than we had before. Sometimes it gets annoying when you can't keep the ball in play for more than 3 returns. It's a good thing playing games or going for sports in the morning, keeps you fresh, and kind of gives you a good warm up for the whole day ahead.

After about an hour of tennis or so, we decided to call it a day for two reasons. Number one, I BROKE my tennis racket. I did something really dumb. For those of you who have been to tennis courts, courts are usually gated by fences made of wire with gaps which are sized very nicely to hold on to tennis balls should one fly directly into the gap. I accidently hit one into a gap which was a little high up above the wall I was practicing on. I jumped up to try and knock the ball down with my racket. Instead, I ended up knocking my racket on the wall and now one part of it is broken. Somehow, I'm still able to use it, but I don't think it'll last in the long term. It was a really stupid move because in the end I just used my tennis racket to hit another tennis ball at the one stuck on the fence to bring it down. Why didn't I think of that before? Simple answer, I'm a *humzter. The second reason was that Vern got a blister so we decided to stop. I think we played for a sufficient amount of time though, any more and we'd have over exerted ourselves.

So after we played tennis, we went for breakfast, at the cafe near one of my lecture halls not too far from our hostel. I decided to have two pieces (is it pieces or something else?) of roti planta and some iced nescafe coffee. I think that was a poor selection I made because everything was SWEET! Again, too much *humz. Sigh. Well, it did taste good, just that it was too much 'goodness' to take at a time. If Mei Le saw what I ate, she'd most probably say I'd die the next day of diabetes or something.

So after that, we went back and I took a shower, came online and sent Wei Li the VERY OVERDUE photos I owe him of the Drunk Before Dawn musical orchestra rehearsal. I took it during the mid-semester break, that shows how long it's been. Now, I'm here blogging with about 30 minutes before I go for my optional ICIS class which I will go for because the class should be quite a useful one compared to the optional class for business that I attended yesterday and after that I'll be studying the whole day. This week's study week and next week are my final exams! Well, that's all for now, I know it's quite a long one but if you've reached this far, thanks for reading, hahaha!

Signing off,
Your dear *Humzter
Christon

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Finally...... but......

Today was pretty much 'D-Day' for my Thinking Skills presentation group. If you read one of my earlier posts, you'd have known that I've been quite frustrated over this group assignment. Over the past few days, a lot of last minute editing and changes have been made. Every time we've met to do this assignment, we startat 9 or 10 p.m and end at least at 2 a.m the next morning! It was no different last night, I thought there were only a few things left to change but who knew that there were still quite a handful of issues to settle. I really have to salute the team I've worked with though. They've been an excellent bunch of people and make pretty good teammates. I guess it's a little unfortunate they didn't get such a good leader. I've made so many mistakes as a leader during the assignment, not delegating work or getting it done as efficient as I should have which caused all the last minute changes and delays. The team was just excellent though, they made up for it very well and I just can't thank them enough.

Well, back from last night to today,we presented our assignment to the assesor/lecturer/one man panel (it's supposed to be two, but only one turned up for some reason). Whether it was fortunate or not, I'm not sure, but our team was the first one up to present. Thankfully, the presentation was smooth flowing, we just presented our machine concepts for cleaning rivers and everything seemed to be going along fine then. However, something unfortunate did happen. Towards the end of the presentation, the assesor reminded me that there was only one minute left to present before a Q&A session. After the next presentation by my team member, one of my other team members told me to just explain all of the slides to save time, and so I did. After that, he asked one question only, which I answered wrongly. That isn't the unfortunate part. After he said, 'That wasn't the answer I was looking for," he started to comment about me and my teammates. He suddenly started expressing his feelings that I was the one who seemed to be doing most of the thinking, the work and that I somehow outshone my teammates (maybe because I did a lot of the talking), as if I was so much better than them. He even went on to say, something like "You've got to try and reach up to his level," and another was something like "You might see Christon getting honours during his final year and where will you be?" Can you imagine what went through the minds of my teammates when that happenned?

At that moment, my heart just sank. I could not have felt more guilty and sad for my teammates. As I mentioned earlier, each of them worked pretty hard on this assignment and to get something like that in return is just horrible. I was also wondering whether my teammates would get angry or something like that so straight after the presentation I met up with all my teammates for a while, and told them I was sorry for what the assesor said and just to dismiss whatever he said and acknowledged them for their effort. Thankfully enough, they understood so there's no agro between myself and my teammates now, or at least I think so. Well, if any of my teammates out there happen to read this, thanks a lot yeah! Really appreciate you guys!

Monday, November 13, 2006

-Untitled-

Not sure what to name this post...... so I won't. Well, there's just two weeks before I sit for my exams, how time flies. One moment, it was my orientation week and the next thing I know, I'm faced with less than a month's time to prepare for my finals.

It's going to be a busy two weeks preparing, bucking up and all, there are still many things I need to be stronger at, particularly math. I don't know why, it's not that it's a very tough subject but I've been performing quite poorly at it for some reason. I really hope that can change in the next two weeks, thankfully I have friends around that can and are willing to help me.

I just want to do well, especially this time. I screwed up my S.A.M subjects except for English and Biology before I went over to UTP. I'm very much aware that this is a great second chance and I really do not want to waste it, I'm starting to worry, given my track record in UTP so far for some subjects. I really need discipline and determination, not to mention motivation although motivation shouldn't really be an issue.

God, please help me. I'm putting my trust in You to pull me through.


p/s (this might be my last post for the next two weeks, we'll see how things go)

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Something.... quite bad, something..... I did

Just this week, I did something pretty bad, not intentionally but I guess it happenned simply because I wasn't quite alert and stupid and irresponsible at the same time, a reminder of some of things my mum said when she scolded me as a younger child. It was just, horrible. Everything was fine but it took less than a second for things to turn bad. Some of you familiar with this kind of situation? The worst thing was, that it doesn't only affect me, it affects someone else. The incident affects me simply because I have the guilt of affecting someone else in a negative way. Even worse, the person it affects is a good friend of mine. Any of you would know that it feels bad when you've wronged a mutual friend, what more a good friend?

The thing is, this 'effect on the friend' can only come after I tell this friend. As a friend, it's obviously the right thing to tell him/her the situation and work something out. The thing is, I'm just scared of the repurcussions, not knowing what'll happen next. My friend who's 'affected' by this incident may just take it lightly, which I'm hoping for of course or she may take it pretty seriously. It's one of those things where it depends on the kind of person your friend is to determine how angry he or she will be when you've wronged them. However my friend takes it though, I still feel very bad about it and in my situation, a good solution isn't an easy or moderate task. It doesn't make things better that I've been hanging out with this friend this week, pretending that nothing's wrong, or maybe even tyring to forget about it.

Well, whatever happens, I still have to tell this friend of mine because this friend would find out eventually anyway and just accept the consequences. We'll see what happens. I'm telling this friend today.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Friendly Love

If you'd read my 'about me' section on the blog, you'd have noticed that friends are what I value very much. I guess most people do to, after all people are more easily influenced by friends to do something, simply because their friend has value to them.

Yesterday at about 8.30 p.m, I had a dinner party with a large group of friends, about 20 or so outside my campus over at a friends house. It was just fun hanging around with them, talking to many different friends I've made over the past few months that I've been here in Perak. If you think about it, it's amazing how many friends you can make in a short time. It's really interesting that each friend you meet will always brings a different set of things to the table, their uniqueness by the different characters they portray.

While everyone was talking to each other during the party, I just stepped aside to observe everyone for a moment. When I did that, I just felt a great deal of comfort. Why? Something stirred my heart as I saw everyone in that room. Every single one of them were having the time of their lives, joking around, talking to each other with smiles on their faces. It just felt so wonderful that I was able to be a part of this really great bunch of people. The atmosphere of that place just felt so good, everyone had a phenomenal time of pure, clean fun. I assure, the feeling and the atmosphere in a place when you have pure, clean fun is much more enjoyable than when you don't. Usually, in those cases you feel more proud of yourself than happy. Back to the point though, these group of friends made me feel a little more of home.

I do miss my friends back in KL and surprisingly and touchingly enough there are those that miss me even though I may have not missed them as much. Ever since the begining of the year, I've started to lose touch with two of my closest friends in high school (Ng Wei Yang & Alexander Teoh) and even more now that I'm here in Perak. I've treasured the good friendships that I've had with both of them and I hope we'll meet someday. The loyalty in our friendships is something I've really come to appreciate, truly a show of love for friends.

Another two people I want to mention are Chris Wee and Khye Shin. These two guys are among the closest friends I've had in a while. Sadly though, I've lost touch with Chris but I want to acknowledge him as a great encourager and someone that I can talk to about anything anytime. Khye Shin, this guy has been a really good friend of mine over the years and I think the relation between us got so much better this year, due to the fact we went to and fro from Taylor's every weekday. He's someone I can connect with pretty well and I think we've always encouraged each other in whatever we do. He is the one guy that I really miss having around. He'll most probably be going off to Aussie next year which means I have one less good friend whenever I go back to visit KL.

Whoever it is, appreciate the friends that you have because they've shown their love to you to a certain extent and because there will be a time when you may not be able to see them anymore, simply because they might have found a job somewhere else or have gone overseas to study and so forth. Friendly love is truly great because it touches your heart and to whoever reads this long post, I hope you'll be able to give this 'friendly love' to someone because you'll impact that person's life when you do.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Pressured?

This week, I've been kind of having....... well 'mood swings'. I've not been feeling so good lately, I can't really pinpoint the reason but I have a really big feeling it has to do with the Thinking Skills group assignment I've got on my hands, can't say that's the only thing though.

Firstly, the question I got for this group assignment was about coming out with a mechanism or device to clean rivers. On the surface, it doesn't seem to be too difficult a question, just wait until you get into it. Just yesterday, my coursemate Arun and myself were having such a hard time looking for any information about devices, mechanisms or even methodologies for cleaning rivers. In fact, it wasn't a hard time, it was an IMPOSSIBLE time!! I was so frustrated, I spent two hours in a computer lab and was unable to obtain any useful information. Apparently, there are more existing technologies that clean river water for commercial use than there are for cleaning river water for the river. Even if my question was how to convert dirty river water into something of commercial value, I'd still be lost with the endless use of incomprehensible terminologies and no diagrams or pictures to show for it. Not only that, the meeting I'd arranged for my group to meet and discuss the assignment had to be cancelled. Looking back, I don't think I should have cancelled it but just go on without the members who were unavailable, a sign of my unproductive brain. Having said that, I've been feeling a real weight on my shoulders to finish this assignment. The due date isn't too far away and I'm really scared my group won't be able to come up with something substantial. To think that I'm the group leader and supposed to hold the responsibility for the success of the team isn't such a great thought at the moment.

This assignment's really been on my mind this week and I think I've let it pull my morale down by a lot. Something I read the day before all this stuff happenned was actually related to my situation. It made me feel better because I'd already been feeling the pressure of the assignment even before the two 'events'. I don't know why I didn't carry it with me today but I just read it again and it's reassured me. Well, you must be wondering what I read, well it's actually something from the bible, in the book of Phillipians, chapter 4, verses 4 to 13. Basically, the passage's about not feeling so overwhelmed by circumstances but whatever it is, just giving it to God and his peace will just come into your heart and also about keeping God close to your heart.
Keep your mind on Him and He'll keep your mind at peace. =)

That's something I haven't done much lately to be honest. Well, I'm trusting Him to pull me through and hopefully things will work out well eventually.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

For the first time, in my whole life (Quote - Stellar Kart)

For the first time in my life, I've actually decided to blog! It's a wonder why I've never tried it out, I think it's because I've been too lazy over the years, constantly reading friends blogs but never creating my own. It's just come at a random time where I thought, "Why not?" so I've made the decision to finally blog, haha! I've seen new blogs that die in weeks but I've also seen those that live on for ages and become really interesting reads. Hopefully, mine'll be the latter.

Well, that's all for now. I'm rushing for time actuallty, hope you all come back for updates!! There wouldn't be much point making this public blog if no one reads it right. So keep coming back! Give me reason to write! Stay tuned and have a nice day. =)

Christon